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Psychalgia Exhumed: A Poetry Book

A collection of 20 poems by Sanya E Walma.
Sometimes our potential for growth and our ability to understand ourselves is buried beneath internalized fears and repressed feelings.
Untying the mental knots that distort our true selves requires the willingness to embrace our most intimate anxieties.
This collection of poetry is based on unearthing innermost troubles, finding beauty behind emotional disorder, and learning to express oneself honestly.

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Dreaming Splendor

I can’t afford bed sheets or makeup.

Beautified dreams, somehow, still come easily.

Even in poverty, the luxury of abstraction

Soothes me daily, in depression or inspiration.

Streetlights on snowy nights

Hold more potential than money or connections.

Shadows in the urban landscape,

More real than set ideals or purchased thrills.

Somewhere is an inevitability

Waiting to be dreamed into vibrant shapes.

Magenta rain against black skies,

Sleeping bodies forgetting their encroaching doom.

I can’t afford bed sheets or makeup,

But in my mind, I repose against splendid fashionings.

The faintest glimmer of peace and satisfaction

Awakes, and gives me space to keep imagining.

A Lovely Little Death

This is Death, my infinite pastime,

My plaything, my dalience.

It fucks me breathlessly into the great unknown,

And spits me out, and leaves me there.

God help us, goddamnit!

It wasn’t enough to make us feel alive?

To make us suffer so we want to feel alive?

We inherit a lust for beauty and are demanded to close our eyes?

What depth there is in darkness could never be enough.

Is it ever sweet enough to sleep? Well,…

Yes.

It is, sometimes,…

When I go to bed exhausted, my sleep screams with delight.

And the more I romaticise, the more attractive it seems.

So at the end of the day, I only hope that I’m weary,

Not from toil, or troubles, but from the ecstasy of a brilliant party.

We Talk Too Much

It was never over like I thought it was

Looking for myself and finding more of us

I don’t want to be that girl who can’t forget you

But I’m ready for you if you ever wanted to

We never really kissed as far as I recall

Somehow I’ve felt your lips and seen it all

I hate admitting that I think about you every day

There’s just too much I never got to put away

We talk so much, I’m thinking that I’m not alright

You haven’t heard me yet because you haven’t been in sight

I’m in a bed like always when you’re on my mind

I needed sleep, but it’s always you I seem to find

It’s over, past the date, so many years by now

Evidently I still need to feel about you somehow

I need to scream, I need to fuck, I need to fill a whole

If not with you then I don’t want to feel you anymore

I guess you should’ve never left me any hope

I’m going to cry about you now and hope to be alone

Mary

When I imagine you, My empathy makes a monster of your misery, One I’ve studied often in my dreams And more frequently discovered in reality. I wonder when it breathed, When spark and spleandor clashed that evening, And you saw what it had seen How it found you in your sleep.

Secret Room

Clear your muddled, cluttered head

And have a slice of honeyed bread

To take into your secret room

Where your tea is hot and your flowers bloom.

There, you’ll think and have a smoke,

Text a friend with a random joke,

Watch the birds and people go by

From the window on the other side,

Start the first lines of a poem,

And just feel fully alive and alone.

Transfeminine Spring

Waking up with a patient hunger,

Taking my sweet time to think, body heavy from a long sleep,

I put myself together, slowly, silently in the rising sun.

Becoming aware of myself brings a strange new comfort,

A focus without sharpness, and silent sublimities.

Peace, in its few moments, is shockingly sweet.

Pleasure is simpler and easier to accept,

As are my pains, fears, and many other familiar happenings.

I care more for the thought of existing than the person I was ever could,

As though a portion of my emptiness was washed away,

Cleansing away a brutal year into my first transfeminine spring.

We Could Grow Our Own Life Together

We could have a tiny world, a modest one, all to us,

To paint our ideals, our passions, and secret wishes onto.

Caring for each other and nurturing the land

Our children, a family of colors, scents, atmosphere and earth.

We’d till and sow all our own way,

And grow a living dream, transcendent from every angle.

We’ll compose a landscape tuned to the mood of our time together,

Like living music to the moment we’ve adopted.

Seasons and years renew the youth of our creation,

So every day we enjoy new spaces of imagination to occupy together.

This is the world we birth with our own hands and thoughts,

Held together indefinitely, in reverie and splendor.

Genderless Winter

Blank and white with a frostbitten edge,

Like silver knives stinging in every little breath.

Too cold for sex, but perfect for a touch

From fingers warm that don’t sink too much.

It starts with a trance, to the depths, to the roots,

And the emptiness inside, uncluttered, unpoluted.

A masculine abstraction made with feminine grace.

Insensitive seasons reflecting nature’s soft face.

A hunger in a dream, cutting straight through my words,

A silent understanding, an intuition unheard.

The loss of all heat and the induction of warmth.

Pining for nothing and weighing all its worth.

Ambiguities vanish, there’s only one choice,

To relinquish and recover body, disposition, and voice.

Ugly Angel

There’s a dirty kind of feeling,

A deeply driven repulsiveness

That sits somewhere between the throat

And the far back of the brain.

A moment that seems eternal,

Like a punishment for some sin,

Looking inward to an abyss

Of secretly sensitive yearning.

The reflection of something I cannot see

Knaws and separates myself from their company,

Dirty, deep and seemingly forever

Like the immortal voice of an angel that’s ugly.

Heroes Burning

Scars make martyrs and monsters.

Idolizing the villains who were yesterday’s anti-heroes

Waiting for them to burn their capacity to create.

The angels burn brightly, softly, sensationally,

To follow chaotically into a second fall.

Exactly as dulcetly as they first sang,

They clash crassly against some new foe,

But the only ones standing in their way

Are the ones burning as brightly as they.